MY BIGGEST WHAT IF

This time last year, I started using basic fertility tools and got some great advice from you.

I didn’t share something else at the time because I just wasn’t ready. I had recently miscarried. Truth be told, I’ve miscarried twice. That second time, I was further along. Over nine and a half weeks. We had tried IUI, but this time we were pregnant naturally! I thought it was a sign.

I went in for my appointment by myself. It was a check up to make sure the heart beat was strong and get blood work to find out the gender. I felt so deeply it was a little girl. She would be named after my Great Grandmother, also started with an “H,” like Huck and Hayden. I had already told my parents. I had Hayden wear a shirt that said “big brother” when I took him to visit them in Texas. These photos here were taken because we were about to announce at 12 weeks. I felt pretty “swollen” and couldn’t fit into much else but A line dresses like the one pictured.

That day, as I lay on my back looking at the ultrasound machine, my doctor kept moving the wand around inside me. He was silent. If I had been standing, I would have fainted. I felt like I went limp on the table anyway. Dear God, it’s ok, it’s ok, right?? I could hear myself pleading in my mind.

Then, I heard the words that 1 in 4 women hear: there is no heartbeat.

I actually didn’t believe my doctor. Tears flowed uncontrollably as his words became inaudible. Just noise in the room. Like I was underwater. I heard him say “D and C “ if the baby didn’t come out naturally. And then looking further into modern medicine and considering IVF.

As great as my doctor is, there is no great way to help someone like me in that moment. The nurses told me to take my time in the room, I didn’t have to rush out for another patient. I got the paperwork, which read “abortion.” I cried even harder. The technical term for a miscarriage is a spontaneous abortion, but I didn’t know that. I asked the nurse to change that because I didn’t have an abortion. She explained it is a medical term for insurance purposes.

Days after this, the baby didn’t come out naturally. I so badly wanted to believe the baby was still alive and the ultrasound just missed the heartbeat. I actually felt guilty drinking any wine because “what if” the baby had made it. I had to schedule a D and C, something I had heard of but knew nothing about. However, I know many, many of you know it all too well. I asked the doctor to look again in an ultrasound because I needed to know for sure I lost my baby. And there was the embryo, still inside me, no heartbeat.

Maybe someday I’ll share some notes I took about the D and C and that day. I took notes during the whole fertility process, actually. All the “what ifs” that came up. But that’s not exactly what this is about today. Today, I simply felt very strongly about opening up this space for women to not feel alone right around the new year. Women and men. Life can change so quickly. The plans and dreams we have for our family can shift so dramatically it is difficult to process.

But we must allow ourselves to go through the emotional cycles. The hormones that are rushing through you are intense. Seeing birth announcements come in the mail with New Year’s wishes can be hard. Of course, you are joyful for those around you, but take the time to care for yourself and know it’s OK to be sad. To be angry. I’ve seen posts with hopeful couples that say, “All I want for Christmas are two pink lines.” If you’re disappointed that you’re not announcing a pregnancy now, I SEE YOU. I get it. You are not alone. I play things around in my head sometimes. But, what If? Part of the grieving process is grieving what could’ve been. And it does get easier. I promise you that. One of the other things I had to learn (and remind myself of often) is not to compare my journey to anyone else’s. But if I’m honest with you, I struggle with twinges of jealous when I see families together. Couples that love each other unconditionally, support each other and are safe and sound, juggling their kids.

The definition of my family is different right now. I feel broken open. I have faith things happen the way they are meant to, I do. I’ve discussed secondary infertility, vitamins and supplements I was taking (and still am!). As this topic of conversation has come up, what heals me is to help someone else. I hope I can.

The unknown is the hardest part.... not knowing if you can conceive naturally. Then, waiting to find out if everything is ok if you DO conceive. If you don’t, then you look into modern medicine and have to process how financially depleting some of these treatments are. The stress is indescribable at times. Right now, I wish I had just frozen my eggs earlier.

At doctor’s office with my nurse.

In an interview recently, someone asked me what I would tell younger people about fertility. I would absolutely not give up if you feel the deep desire to have your own child— if finances are an issue, look into programs and insurance policies. I am doing that now. Lemme know if you are in my boat and want me to share my research. Thankfully there are other programs like LifeSpring, which help children of the future financially in case they experience infertility. If I had had access to insurance years ago, I would probably have a different story. New concept, I know, but something to think about. And specifically for my fellow Texans: LifeSpring policy is approved by the Texas Department of Insurance. Beneficiaries (children birth age to age 13) must be residents of the State of Texas at the time of purchase. Purchaser does not need to be a resident of Texas. As with all insurance, you hope you never need it. But what a blessing to have it if you do. Thank you to LifeSpring being a one time sponsor of this blog and encouraging me to tell my story. All experiences and opinions are my own.