Part Three of Egg Freezing: the retrieval

Material on this website is copyrighted. No aspect of this post or any post on this site can be quoted or used without permission and/or direct links back to site.

While egg freezing is nothing new and many many women have done this, I could hardly find any written accounts of someone my age online. If you find any, I’d love to read. That was my motivation to write these posts, in hopes of making someone out there feel less alone on their whole fertility journey.

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I anxiously awaited the results of my last ultrasound to determine if I even got to do the retrieval. If the eggs didn’t grow enough, the doctor wouldn’t go through with the procedure and I would have to try it all over again next month. If they did, I’d have to go get a covid test  immediately (for this hospital, it was up BOTH nostrils!). It’s daunting to say the least. I had so many dreams of Hayden as a baby during this time (pictured above). Maybe I was trying to manifest? I was filming Bold and the Beautiful the day before I did my trigger shot. This gives the eggs that final boost and pumps me with the most amount of hormones to date. I did not feel my best. I had bruises on my abdomen and was retaining a ton of fluid (common side effect). I actually weighed in 9 pounds heavier at the hospital than I was 2 weeks before.

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But, everything did look good with the eggs and we could move  forward with the retrieval. An immense weight was lifted, at least for a few hours. I feel so much for women that get this far and then cannot move forward. It’ s emotionally, physically and financially draining.

I’ve been putting off posting this entry. I know why. 

The morning of the retrieval, I am sick to my stomach. Of course, it could be the lack of food or drink for 12 hours, or the anxiety of going under anesthesia. But, I know it’s the emotion. If I hadn’t lost the last baby (about 14 months before the day of the surgery), I wouldn’t be freezing eggs at all. So many people have told me the miscarriages were “meant to be.” I know they are referring to the events of the past year: being granted a permanent domestic violence 3 year restraining order, then having to go through court custody battles and divorce proceedings with that same person. I know my friends mean well. But, I still don’t look at it that way. It was a loss. I never had a real chance to grieve because I went into survival mode shortly after the miscarriage. 

I guess this morning, it hits me. 

It’s like any other surgery- no eating or drinking beforehand, get there very early. I have my trusted caretaker at the house for Hayden. I uber to the hospital because I can’t drive home. You bring limited personal items, everything goes in a bag. You fill out a ton of paperwork, check your vitals, get in your sterile gear, and lay down on the bed just staring at the ceiling waiting. I advise asking for all paperwork ahead of time. I wasn’t allowed to sign anything until I got here, but at least I had already read over all the risks and waivers and insurance issues, etc.

The nurse arrives to put in the IV. I’ve never had good luck with my right arm, which tends to be the arm closest to the machines in almost every situation I’ve been in…. giving birth, drawing blood, DNC from miscarriage—  and true to form, even right now. I beg her to go straight to the left arm. One would think the nurse would appreciate the tip, since I know my body better than they do. But, it’s kinda like a new hairdresser that doesn’t listen to you because they think they know your hair better than you ever could, only to learn you were right in the fist place— after your hair looks slightly orange. She insists on using my right arm and said all the other nurses must not have known what they were doing. After one failed attempt, I ask to speak to my doctor. I don’t want bruises on my right arm again. She switches to the left arm, very annoyed. But it works perfectly the first time on the left arm. I’m proud of myself for being assertive. My people-pleasing nature too often wins the struggle. 

It all becomes a bit of a blur after that. The doctor comes in to say hello; the anesthesiologist arrives, asks a few questions… and I become very relaxed. 

I wake up groggy, but ok. My dearest Jennifer Garies is there waiting for me. (Yes, we are really like real family). She brought snacks and drives me home, making sure I am ok. I am ok- but probably best I don’t drive. I was hoping for 12 eggs, but through the retrieval and freezing process, they got eight, then only seven made it through the fast freeze. Funny- seven has always been a special number to me. 

The crazy part? All the hoops I went through, doctor’s appointments, injections, etc— there is absolutely no guarantee. And we’ll never know how viable those eggs are until I try to have a baby at some point.

So, my hope is one egg (the first one!) makes it through the thawing process, fertilization process, testing process and then my body receives it, allowing the embryo to grow. It may not be the traditional way, but I still call it a miracle.

My body went back to it’s normal state within a week or so. Be gentle on yourself. I did not feel any pain afterward, but just uncomfortable for a day or so.

And all in all, it was cathartic. I deeply felt this was something I needed to do. And, as I’ve mentioned in another post, what if everything goes as well as it possibly could? I still believe in love, and for certain still believe in miracles. Ready for both.

If you’re curious about fertility, I still highly recommend IT STARTS WITH THE EGG. i wrote more about his book and what I learned HERE.

TAKING CHARGE OF THE EGGS

Photo by: Andrew Malnar

Photo by: Andrew Malnar

Material on this website is copyrighted. No aspect of this post or any post on this site can be quoted or used without permission and/or direct links back to site.

I should be excited to finally do something I’ve wanted to do for over 10 years. However, sharing and being this vulnerable opens me up to criticism. But, there must be at least one other person out there feeling the way I do, and maybe now she’ll feel less alone.

THE WHAT

I am freezing my eggs!! I’ve had many doctor appointments lately that some of you have inquired about. Most were for this and one other health reason that I plan on discussing next week.

No reason to fill me in on all the reasons I should NOT freeze eggs at my geriatric age. A quick google search leaves me grim. I know the statistics. I know I have a beautiful, healthy child already and feel very blessed. I look back at him as a baby— how could I not want another one! I have such a heart for those that are longing for their first baby. I know this is a very sensitive subject.

Those of you that have visited the blog since the beginning know of this fertility and secondary infertility journey. Many of you helped me, given great advise and shared your own stories.

THE WHY

For me, I have always imagined at least two kids. Life did not end up like a fairy tale, so I am taking charge. While there are alternative ways to have children now, adoption being an excellent one, I still have a deep desire to biologically have one more, Lord willing. We’ve discussed this on the blog, so it’s no secret.

I searched and searched for anyone my age and their experience with egg freezing. I’m sure there are blogs out there outlining the whole thing at my stage in life, but I had trouble finding them.

Egg freezing is just that. You retrieve as many eggs as possible and hope they make it through the freezing and thawing process. No sperm is involved. No embryos are made and tested. So, most people freezing are single women doing this all by themselves. They want to have a baby at some point, but life is not allowing that to happen today. I had been shelling out thousands and thousands of dollars a month- like 10K some months- in lawyer fees for the divorce and restraining order, so I felt, what is one month dedicated to my family’s future? It is an huge investment if you pay out of pocket, so I understand. Seeing that number on my credit card statement is hard to process, but I have become used to it the past year. If you’re reading this and feel it is out of your reach financially, please do some research. There are options, especially if you are willing to travel. I was not in that position during my divorce and covid.

IF I COULD DO IT OVER

Ideally, I would have had children earlier, which I plan on discussing in another post. My second wish is having frozen my eggs earlier. Why didn’t I?  I ask myself this question often. I struggled with the idea I was “playing God.” Age and a better understanding of modern medicine has given me a different perspective on that.

THERE WAS STILL A CHANCE

My doctor, Dr. Carolyn Alexander, initially helped me after I lost my second baby. I miraculously had Hayden naturally and easily (so much so, I was writing pregnancy posts like THIS one), but my two pregnancies after him were different. Devastatingly, they ended in miscarriages. I talked about this some here in this post. The second miscarriage was further along than the first. I had told my family already and was almost ready to share with friends and here on the blog. My doctor determined the issue was most likely not with me or the egg. I still have a possibility of a healthy baby. It was my Jim Carey, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” moment.

THE PREP

So, I started the freezing process. Technically, it could all be done fairly quickly, but I kept having delays. I had to get a list of things done first, namely a mammogram (very important) and frequent , various blood work to see hormone levels. I was too stressed with court dates and finances, out of town filming a movie last summer, wanted to detox my body a bit more… but the truth is, you gotta just go for it. I had an ultrasound to see how many follicles I had that month and it seemed ok to begin. There’s plenty of prep you can do if you have the time. I did not. I’m under then most amount of stress in my lifetime, so “lowering stress” seemed implausible. I still say the book IT STARTS WITH THE EGG is a great first step. I also wrote all the supplements that I have been told to take in this post here. I was told to cut caffeine to one cup a day. Limit sugar. No saunas or hot tubs or excessive workouts. Note: this all becomes more important when injections begin. I had not been going to acupuncture regularly, but began as soon as I could get an appointment. This is just what I have been told and only reflects my experience. Please consult your doctor before taking any supplements or following my lead in any way.

To be continued…I’m writing this as a series.

Part 2 : INJECTION PHASE AND EVERYTHING NO ONE TOLD ME- OH MY GOODNESS!

Part 3: THE RETRIEVAL AND EVERYTHING AFTER

xoxo Anything you want to share, I am reading every single comment.

AAJ

A JOY(ful) RIDE

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This post is sponsored in part by Kelley Blue Book. I’ve been a longtime fan of using their services and am delighted to share my own thoughts and experiences with you. Note: for updates to see how you can save money on your car during covid-19, click HERE. Many insurance companies are offering refunds for people that are driving considerably less, too!

Can I share something that was so good for the soul recently? We piled in the car with snack and a blanket and went for a drive. Sounds basic, but it was glorious! Made me so pleased with my choice of a family vehicle that we could sit in the trunk and enjoy the view, lift our spirits safely and comfortably. It was a real JOY RIDE driving around finding puddles. #Thisis3. We played until his jeans were wet, never seeing anyone, just us with my car and a frog umbrella. It’s hard being a little energetic toddler quarantined on rainy weeks. We use our imagination!! It’s nice to remember there’s life outside of our home!!

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Whether you’re still working or WFH, our world has halted for the most part. Many of us are reevaluating our priorities and necessities right now either forced or through choice. I mean—- milk is just milk now, am I right? I used to be really picky with a specific kind, percentage, organic, etc!! And LBH, I’m low on TP (yes, other spectrum, I did not hoard), so any roll I find is good enough for me. Being picky is not an option right now. At least not with those things….

Have you been able to inventory what things are disposable? During this time, it’s become more and more apparent to me what I really miss/need in my life, even WHO I really miss or need. Sounds harsh, but I bet a lot of you relate? It’s been a good time to consider how we want our life to look when LIFE opens back up. Practical and intentional are two words that keep coming up in my mind in all areas of life, including finances. The majority of us are looking at ways to be prudent, save and find the best deals for our families.

If you’ve been following, you may remember me talking about upgrading my car last year. (14 years in the making, but DID IT)! I had very specific qualifications including space and safety for towing kids. I’m fully embracing the soccer mom/carpool life. I love the choice I made, but I may be trading it in for a car even more specific for my current situation (also looking for less impact on environment/hybrid/etc).

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On multiple occasions I’ve talked about relying on info from Kelley Blue Book. I tend to be a creature of habit especially if the habit is a good one ;) I sold my old car through KKB and found my new car using their tools. One of the things I appreciate is their consistent research and reputation after 90 years in business. Their list of Best Family Cars of 2020 is proving useful for me right now. I’m sure it will to you, too. This is where we CAN be picky!  (Some of you car buffs like seeing the latest research even if you’re not in the space to buy). Based on safety, value, driver-assist features, connectivity and technology, their list includes vehicles for various budgets and family sizes (from 2 door, 3 door to minivans!). This could be an excellent time to do your own research and take advantage of the low (to ZERO) interest rates in buying right now. Check recent updates for your convenience.

Obviously, right now, everyone is sheltering at home. I took that so literally that Hayden and I hardly left the house the first couple of weeks outside of a scooter ride to walk Oscar. But, venturing out for a ride has proven useful. Play eye-spy or pretend you’re a tourist in your own city and go sight-seeing. Just a change of pace helped us a lot. So no matter what, I want a vehicle that allows for these types of “pack ‘em up” trips and rides, rain or shine. We also went to just say hi to the ocean. Hayden asked to roll down the window to hear the waves, feel the breeze and open the sun roof to see the palm trees.

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If you are looking to buy a car during the pandemic, please check KKB.com's updated coronavirus car news. They explain what dealerships are doing to help the virus, as well as what automakers are doing fiscally to help YOU! For instance, I just learned Mazda is offering healthcare workers FREE OIL CHANGES and enhanced cleaning -you do NOT need to own a Mazda. It is simply a thank you to those on the frontlines. More info HERE. Many companies are offering deferment of car notes… please call to see of you can have an extension if you need it. I appreciate the tips on car maintenance during this pandemic, even if you’re not driving your car at all! It’s an invaluable resource that answers a myriad of your questions. This could be an excellent time to get the best deal for investing in your family’s future

Ok. Your turn. Tell me about your joyrides you never would normally take but that are your saving grace now? I actually posted a “preview” on my instastory the day we went to the ocean. I simply said “took a drive today to see a bit of SoCal.” It made me SO HAPPY to read your responses. A good handful of you said after seeing that photo, you decided to take a drive and it was a mood lifter!

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MY BIGGEST WHAT IF

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This time last year, I started using basic fertility tools and got some great advice from you.

I didn’t share something else at the time because I just wasn’t ready. I had recently miscarried. Truth be told, I’ve miscarried twice. That second time, I was further along. Over nine and a half weeks. We had tried IUI, but this time we were pregnant naturally! I thought it was a sign.

I went in for my appointment by myself. It was a check up to make sure the heart beat was strong and get blood work to find out the gender. I felt so deeply it was a little girl. She would be named after my Great Grandmother, also started with an “H,” like Huck and Hayden. I had already told my parents. I had Hayden wear a shirt that said “big brother” when I took him to visit them in Texas. These photos here were taken because we were about to announce at 12 weeks. I felt pretty “swollen” and couldn’t fit into much else but A line dresses like the one pictured.

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That day, as I lay on my back looking at the ultrasound machine, my doctor kept moving the wand around inside me. He was silent. If I had been standing, I would have fainted. I felt like I went limp on the table anyway. Dear God, it’s ok, it’s ok, right?? I could hear myself pleading in my mind.

Then, I heard the words that 1 in 4 women hear: there is no heartbeat.

I actually didn’t believe my doctor. Tears flowed uncontrollably as his words became inaudible. Just noise in the room. Like I was underwater. I heard him say “D and C “ if the baby didn’t come out naturally. And then looking further into modern medicine and considering IVF.

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As great as my doctor is, there is no great way to help someone like me in that moment. The nurses told me to take my time in the room, I didn’t have to rush out for another patient. I got the paperwork, which read “abortion.” I cried even harder. The technical term for a miscarriage is a spontaneous abortion, but I didn’t know that. I asked the nurse to change that because I didn’t have an abortion. She explained it is a medical term for insurance purposes.

Days after this, the baby didn’t come out naturally. I so badly wanted to believe the baby was still alive and the ultrasound just missed the heartbeat. I actually felt guilty drinking any wine because “what if” the baby had made it. I had to schedule a D and C, something I had heard of but knew nothing about. However, I know many, many of you know it all too well. I asked the doctor to look again in an ultrasound because I needed to know for sure I lost my baby. And there was the embryo, still inside me, no heartbeat.

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Maybe someday I’ll share some notes I took about the D and C and that day. I took notes during the whole fertility process, actually. All the “what ifs” that came up. But that’s not exactly what this is about today. Today, I simply felt very strongly about opening up this space for women to not feel alone right around the new year. Women and men. Life can change so quickly. The plans and dreams we have for our family can shift so dramatically it is difficult to process.

But we must allow ourselves to go through the emotional cycles. The hormones that are rushing through you are intense. Seeing birth announcements come in the mail with New Year’s wishes can be hard. Of course, you are joyful for those around you, but take the time to care for yourself and know it’s OK to be sad. To be angry. I’ve seen posts with hopeful couples that say, “All I want for Christmas are two pink lines.” If you’re disappointed that you’re not announcing a pregnancy now, I SEE YOU. I get it. You are not alone. I play things around in my head sometimes. But, what If? Part of the grieving process is grieving what could’ve been. And it does get easier. I promise you that. One of the other things I had to learn (and remind myself of often) is not to compare my journey to anyone else’s. But if I’m honest with you, I struggle with twinges of jealous when I see families together. Couples that love each other unconditionally, support each other and are safe and sound, juggling their kids.

The definition of my family is different right now. I feel broken open. I have faith things happen the way they are meant to, I do. I’ve discussed secondary infertility, vitamins and supplements I was taking (and still am!). As this topic of conversation has come up, what heals me is to help someone else. I hope I can.

The unknown is the hardest part.... not knowing if you can conceive naturally. Then, waiting to find out if everything is ok if you DO conceive. If you don’t, then you look into modern medicine and have to process how financially depleting some of these treatments are. The stress is indescribable at times. Right now, I wish I had just frozen my eggs earlier.

At doctor’s office with my nurse.

At doctor’s office with my nurse.

In an interview recently, someone asked me what I would tell younger people about fertility. I would absolutely not give up if you feel the deep desire to have your own child— if finances are an issue, look into programs and insurance policies. I am doing that now. Lemme know if you are in my boat and want me to share my research. Thankfully there are other programs like LifeSpring, which help children of the future financially in case they experience infertility. If I had had access to insurance years ago, I would probably have a different story. New concept, I know, but something to think about. And specifically for my fellow Texans: LifeSpring policy is approved by the Texas Department of Insurance. Beneficiaries (children birth age to age 13) must be residents of the State of Texas at the time of purchase. Purchaser does not need to be a resident of Texas. As with all insurance, you hope you never need it. But what a blessing to have it if you do. Thank you to LifeSpring being a one time sponsor of this blog and encouraging me to tell my story. All experiences and opinions are my own.

LIFE CHANGES, so why not UPGRADE

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Today’s post is sponsored by Kelley Blue Book®, but you guys know for certain these thoughts came straight from my heart!

It’s Oct. 1st! Last month was my birthday! Do birthdays make you reflect on life goals? How you got to this point in your life…are you where you want to be?  If you’re close to my age, don’t you feel like our 40s are the time to start really settling in to who we are- unapologetically? Start to enjoy a few things you’ve worked so hard for?!

If you’re younger, get a head start… If you’re older, there’s no time like the present.

I am in the midst of some major transitions in life. Starting over again. But this time, not from scratch, from experience. I didn’t quite realize it at the time, but I made some great choices this past year that are helping this transition today. Funny how the puzzle of life starts to make sense with time. Little snapshots of my life popped up as I was in traffic recently. I had an overwhelming sense of gratitude. We are the sum of all our experiences. The peaks and the valleys made us who we are RIGHT NOW. And who I am today is a strong woman and mother to the most precious child! Here’s a snapshot of those puzzle pieces, broken down to six concepts:

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1) LET GO OF STUFF. For those of you on social media, you can see I’m still doing that!! It feels so good to be lighter. All the priceless stuff I took to a public storage unit, which gave me solace. Other stuff: you’ve heard it before and I’ll say it again, when in doubt, throw it out. (Donate the worthy stuff, of course). It certainly helped my recent move that I let some stuff go, but I’m working on paring down even more. Also, when you imagine your pieces/furniture/extra dishes/clothes getting a second life, it makes it more joyful to let it go. Find a women’s shelter and know you will be helping out someone very deserving. Fill up a box and take it to your car so it’s ready next time you are driving by. I’ve found a treasure of new beauty products that I think I’m gonna box up and give to one of you! Pay it forward! Leave a comment letting me know you’re interested (and make sure I have a way of contacting you via email or social media handles!).

2) UPGRADE AN ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE. This was a big one and you all were a part of it. I upgraded my car!! I’m so happy I have a reliable car for Hayden and me now. I live in LA and a car is like a second home. What I didn’t share with you at the time was I how I sold my old one with the help of Kelley Blue Book®. I cannot recommend this more. It takes a few minutes online… and you get a Kelley Blue Book Instant Cash Offer. Literally a few minutes with my VIN number. I then took my car in to the local participating dealer in Burbank for a review. It was fast (Hayden and I hung out while they reviewed it). I had time to think about it, but I didn’t need much. I took the Instant Cash Offer and got my check!!  I was a bit confused because I thought it should have been harder! lol. Pro Tip (cause, you know, I’m a pro now…ha!)… communicate with the people at your dealership when you go to redeem your Instant Cash Offer. I explained I had just put new tires on the car, and my cash offer got quite a bit higher! 

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3) DO THE THING THAT YOU HAVE FEARED. Be it big or small. Wanna do stand up comedy? Sing in a band? Start a new business? I didn’t realize that starting this blog a few years ago would have ever been so beneficial. I didn’t think anyone would ever care to visit or read what I had to say! I was honestly scared of failure. But, I have formed a bond with you all and it has been a huge support to me. And it may even be a way for me to help provide for Hayden when I’m not filming. I’m so grateful I just DID IT. I didn’t know HOW. I researched and asked questions of others who have gone before me. And here I am again in life, taking one baby step in front of the other yet again. Somedays, I don’t move at all, but fall. And that is ok. As long as I get back up. That saying, “everything you want is on the other side of FEAR”… well, it’s true. Next up for me: DIRECTING!! WOO-HOO.

4) FREEZE TIME. This is a complicated one, but I’m just going to say it. If you are approaching 40 and have the desire to have a family but don’t yet (I’ve been there and still have that desire to have another one), there are steps you can take with modern medicine. DO IT. I wish I had frozen my eggs in my 30s. This is really a whole other post, but I couldn’t leave out the one thing I wish I had done before I hit 40. If you wanna read a bit more on my journey with this, check out this post here, or here.

5) SERVE OTHERS. Find a way to give back and serve. There are so many ways to do it now…. monetarily sponsor a child, mentor a child or teen, volunteer at your church or local schools or hospitals. I have found one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to give to others. At my most depleted, lowest times when I have no energy and deflated spirit, the BEST thing I can do for myself is help someone else. It renews the soul. It is the highest form of self care when done thoughtfully.

6) PLAN AHEAD. I’ve written posts in the past about financial planning. That research I did and knowledge I’ve gained will come in handy as I’m forging ahead. I look back and think how fortuitous it was that I worked on a financial campaign. But, now it makes sense. I need to heed all the advice I wrote in that blog!! Be smart about your finances. Enjoy life WHILE you are saving.

Ok… that was about all the stuff that popped in my head during traffic yesterday… You know what I would LOVE to hear about from you? What is the one thing you are so PROUD of yourself for doing/making/etc that has helped you out? Think about it and let me know. I bet that list would really benefit each of us! I’ll be reading every comment.

xoxo

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FERTILITY humility

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Last week, I posted in stories about being at the doctor— again. Although I received concerned questions, I was reticent to say why I was back at the doctor; I feel like a broken record. It’s more fertility stuff (if you’re new here and curious about our journey, search “FERTILITY” in the search bar at the top of the HOME page, or scroll down to the featured posts at bottom of this post). But after a few days, I figured, why not share our struggle via a blogpost?? If there are other people out there feeling the same way, I’d like them to know they’re not alone! I understand the frustration, disappointments, emotional roller coaster, desire and pressure it puts on your marriage.

I feel like this post is a bit redundant, so I apologize. Even if it doesn’t interest you, perhaps you find yourself talking to someone or a family member in the future that it would help. And if you have anything to add, I hope you will leave in comments?! I’ve already learned from you all!

There’s a term in the medical world called “secondary infertility.” Hayden was conceived easily, but the journey to have another child has not been straightforward. This is not for the weary. It’s humbling. But, when I get down emotionally, I take my time away from the world and pray about it. I end up nesting at home, disconnecting from things and even sometimes people. I’m learning this a personal journey with God and my family.

As I start to open up, I’m amazed by the people I know reaching out via email, calling, texting with their own experiences… and even more amazed with people I don’t know emailing through the blog, DMing on social platforms. This life issue is common. It’s a real desire. And as hard as it is to go through, the journey cultivates the virtue of humility.

NEW STEPS I WISH I HAD TAKEN TWO YEARS AGO…

The book I talked about in previous posts, IT STARTS WITH THE EGG, is worth the read if you’re looking to get pregnant. A reader on this blog recommended it to me. Then the doctor reiterated what supplements I need to be taking everyday and I had already read about them in the book, so I was prepared. 

Because many of you have asked for my list, below is my current regimen of supplements and vitamins that I started. From my understanding, these are common during TTC, but once you DO conceive, some should be stopped (DHEA, Co-Q10 especially), so here’s my disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am just sharing my latest bit of knowledge, PLEASE consult your doctor before taking anything as each body chemistry is different. I’ve also recently been told (and read) that a low dose aspirin is helpful, but I have not taken that. I heard from multiple people that taking muscinex can help, but I have not done that, either.

DHEA 75mg/day

Alpha Lipoic Acid

Methyl-folate

Ubiquinol (Co-Q10)

Pre-Natal Vitamin

Vitamin D

Iron rich foods

low caffeine 

Plenty of water

Minimize processed and saturated fatty foods

low sugar

melatonin 


Find what and WHO might help YOU. My doctor recently was my cheerleader. My favorite part of the meeting was when she had to step out and “do something quickly.” She returned with a huge smile, laughing, saying, “That will be you soon; a patient a bit older than you that is well into her pregnancy dropping us a visit.” By the way, I hear there are great support groups on facebook. Anyone know of one in particular?  

xoxo

AAJ

Beautifully BLENDED

Since I met Joel and started sharing some of our family life with y’all, many of you have commented about being a part of blended families OR potentially being a part of one in the future. After being asked the same questions over and over, I thought it’d be easiest to answer in a blog post! I am not a professional by any means; I’m only commenting from personal experience. And maybe I learned a thing or two from Jerry McGuire. Ha! #sorrynotsorry Or from my big beautifully blended family on The Bold and the Beautiful (now that is BLENDED). Wink, wink. 

With my son and stepson at the happiest place on Earth. We coordinate family weekends based on our time with Huck.

With my son and stepson at the happiest place on Earth. We coordinate family weekends based on our time with Huck.

Before I dig in, the term “blended family” has never sat well with me. I have images of a blender slicing things. Can we come up with a better term? PLEASE?

The question I get asked the most: What would I tell someone who is interested in seriously dating an individual with children.

I wouldn’t tell them anything, but I would ask them a few questions. Blended families are beautiful blessings when you you are ready for that responsibility. Again, I’ve learned from trial and error. I’m just trying to be the best wife, mom and step-mom I can, but miss the mark sometimes.

1) Do you enjoy long talks about poop, math quizzes or soccer goals? 

In other words: are you ready to be a mature, parental figure that puts the kids first (because they did not ask for this)? You will not be newly weds in the traditional sense. You don’t get that alone time in the beginning like two single people getting married. You are an instafamily. And an instaparent of sorts. Ready for that? (I wrote about the instant changes that occur in my column for PEOPLE here.)

2) Are you ready to make comprises, keep your promises and plan ahead?

Kids take planning. There are no “ let’s jump on a plane to Mexico for the weekend” (unless it’s not their weekend with the kids, but single parents are tired! Their spontaneity may have wained considerably). Also, if you make a date with a single parent on their custodial time, KEEP IT. Don’t flake. They may have moved mountains to get a babysitter. 

3) How serious are you about this individual? 

If the relationship is ready for a serious commitment, it’s may be time to involve the children. Children need stability, though, so if you’re one foot in— do not meet the kids.

4) Do you understand the “package deal?”

The most important thing to remember is they are a package together. The chid/children were there before you and will always be the priority. It’s extremely important to make time for each other, but it’s harder. You have to be flexible.

The other thing to remember is that part of the package is the ex-spouse/partner. If they are still in the picture, they will be a part of your life, good or bad. I am learning for most blended families, it’s an adjustment that takes time. And if you think the ex-partner will not affect your life in some fashion, that’s not true (at least not in my experience or most people I know). So, try and keep that relationship with the ex as positive as possible with open communication. When both parties cannot agree about what is best for their child, the law and lawyers get involved. Lemme tell you, this is not fun, but it IS expensive and often unfair. (I could write another blog post about this).

5) Do you like to DANCE?

The exchanges going back and forth with the two families, figuring out schedules and holidays and vacations— it’s not always easy, patience, sacrifice and compromise go a long way. Consider if you are ready for that juggle.  If you notice, Huck isn’t always able to be with us. We share him. So, when we want to do family activities, I coordinate around many factors. To be honest, it’s a really pain in the bum sometimes. I just wrote out a series of examples, then deleted it because this isn’t about my laundry list, it’s about YOU. 

6) Do you like being second fiddle? 

I am a stepmom and a mom. I don’t like the there is a distinction, but I can appreciate it. The only part of our family that technically makes us “blended” is Huck. And Huck already has a mother. I will never take that place in his life, but I can be a “bonus mom,” another parental figure in his life. And occasionally, my husband’s focus is on handling situations with his first son and ex-wife.

7) Can you rule without an iron fist?

Disneyland Day

Disneyland Day

Someone once told me that rules without relationship cause rebellion. In my situation, I met Huck when he was 2. His father did the majority of disciplining. Over time, we developed our own relationship. One that is familial and maternal and rewarding. Now, we have rules and structure, but I had to earn that over time.

If you or someone you love is considering making life decisions that involve children, these are points to consider from my personal experience. (Not sure how this turned into a PSA! ha!) They are basic concepts, just a sounding board to get a conversation flowing. Because you’ll be doing a LOT OF COMMUNICATING. 

It’s almost impossible to comprehend all of this when you are dating, but if you’ve met someone and started falling for them (and the child), it can be your fairytale. You’ll have the opportunity to love and affect another little human positively. I promise the little munchkin (or big munchkin) will be a blessing in your life and just might make YOU a better person. But the greatest thing to remember is there is no “right way,” there is only the right way for you. Be smart, listen to your gut instincts, follow your heart and remember the power of FORGIVENESS.

I’ve appreciated reading your notes about being from blended families. What I treasure most are hearing your thoughts about being a stepmother yourselves, or remembering moments from your own step parents. I wanted to open that discussion up here, too. I LOVE LEARNING FROM YOU.. So, feel free to share your beautiful blended stories. 

xoxo

AAJ

TAX DAY REFLECTIONS with a PRO

Hi everyone. Happy After Tax Day!! If you’re like us, you’ve taken a look at your deductions, credits, spending verses saving habits and promised yourself to make changes in 2019.  I recently blogged about financial matters.  I was surprised how many of you visited the blog post, asked questions here or via email and wanted to know more. This is NOT a sponsored post. But, after chatting with Morgan McGovern, a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ professional, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share our conversation. CFP® professionals are held to strict ethical standards and take a holistic approach to financial planning, so I felt comfortable taking her your questions and reporting her answers.
As parents, we have to think about summer camps or childcare, vacations, saving for college, retirement, life insurance... it’s a lot. Money is a terrible master but can be an excellent servant. If you’re interested in ways to make 2019 a financially better year for your family, keep reading. 

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MONEY AND RELATIONSHIPS For many married couples, money is such a trigger in their relationship. “Money is tied to emotion,” McGovern said. She encouraged couples to take the time to figure out what their values are independently, as a couple and as a family. “Your spending and your saving habits should align with your core values. You ideally should spend not only your money, but also your time and energy, on the things most important to you and your family.” When you understand this logically, it’s easier to implement when things get emotional. 

There’s a plethora of reading material out there about relationships and money. Get ahead of the game. Know what works best for you and your partner before it becomes an issue. Are your values currently aligning as a individual, couple and family? I think this is a great exercise for all of us to sit down and write out our values once a year. Values are based on our core beliefs that determine our priorities.

RETIREMENT VS SAVING FOR HIGHER EDUCATION I got a considerable amount of DMs from people stating they’re more worried about saving for their children’s college fund than retirement. I imagine this is true for many Americans. I appreciated McGovern’s response: Education costs are increasing but retirement costs and healthcare costs are also increasing. The most important thing to remember is that loans can be taken out for children’s education, but you cannot take out loans for retirement. That really struck me. And inspired me to add more to retirement every year. It’s a discipline; saving is a way of life. 

TAKING FULL ADVANTAGE OF TAX CREDITS AVAILABLE The “child tax” credit has doubled for 2018 to $2,000 per qualifying child. There’s also a family tax credit, now known as ‘The Credit for Other Dependents’. McGovern explained that it’s important to be well informed of all the potential credits and deductions offered to us each year. Professionals learn your family dynamic and history, and can help you understand the best way to implement new policies, as opposed to someone plugging numbers into a program.  No matter how little or much you make, there are opportunities offered to each of us which we should take full advantage.

For us, we’re a blended family and child tax deductions currently do not apply for both boys. It’s imperative to know legally what your options are. (Plus, I work in Canada sometimes, from home a lot of the time, have a corporation, etc.) I feel more confident having another set of expert eyes look over our taxes and help plan.

BUT WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO CONSULT A PROFESSIONAL and start planning for retirement? What if I don’t have a lot of extra money right now? “The best time is now. It’s always better to do it sooner than later,” she said. “The more time you have to save anything, the better.” But it’s never too late, either. There are always OPTIONS. FIND out what ALL yours are! As far as being able to afford a professional, she explained there’s a number of different fee structures with a CFP® pro; there’s both comprehensive and modular planning options, and some advisors charge an hourly fee if that works best. Why not take a list of questions and sit down for an hour?

Specific Note for today: I’m heartbroken looking at the footage of Notre Dame today. My family and I had the privilege of getting to visit. I’ve luckily been able to go several times in my life. I look back and am grateful my mom and dad make it a financial priority to travel together. That didn’t happen without planning. Today is a sad reminder that there’s no time like the present to make a plan to make things happen. 

So, I hope this gets you thinking! If you want more info on a professional like Morgan, I urge you to check out letsmakeaplan.com. It’s an easy and very resourceful website. I like their blog. But, mainly I want us to continue this conversation often. Share your ideas and tips on planning for your future. A few of you had excellent advice in the comments of the last post. Do you make sure to put money in a pension or a 401K every year? Are you relying on property for your investments? How diversified are your investments? And (this has always been important to me) do you have a nest egg put aside for emergencies? Do your research and figure out what works best for YOU.

Lady In Waiting: the two week wait

If you’ve come here to this post and don’t know what I’m referring to, my guess is it won’t be that interesting of a read for you. If BBT reminds you of Big Bang Theory and not TTC, this post wasn’t written for you! (Unless you’re a man and your wife is going through this… might be beneficial? Just saying. lol)

I’m talking about the journey of trying to conceive. The time between ovulation and celebration. Or disappointment….sometimes devastation. 

It doesn’t start that way… the first, say, several months are so promising and exciting! You’ve made the decision to have a baby! The adrenaline from just that process can carry you for a few months. But some point, that adrenaline wains and you want to see results. Maybe you were just “trying to see what happens.” But now find yourself clocking your cycle in apps or consulting doctors, doing bloodwork, getting ultrasounds, acupuncture, taking herbs, taking medications, taking your BBT (basal body temperature)… etc.

This photo was 3 years ago at our little make shift photo shoot when I was pregnant with Hayden.

This photo was 3 years ago at our little make shift photo shoot when I was pregnant with Hayden.

For those of you that have never gone through this arduous process for one reason or another, it most likely seems foreign and possibly crazy. Perhaps you conceived your children easily, or adopted, or chose not to have children. Some of you tried for a long time to get their miracle baby, or came to terms with not having biological children.   

When I was 38, I got the feeling from doctors that I was going to have trouble conceiving. I thought it would take me a very long time. I was almost mentally prepared for the process to take  6-12 months. But, it happened quickly. We were blessed. 

This time around has been different. Yes, I know I’m older , so there’s that issue. I try not to put pressure on us or myself, but I know  it must be there. The pressure, I mean. I posted on instagram right at the new year talking about using an ovulation test. I started using those because the first several months of trying, nothing was happening for me.  After consulting with a doctor, I was told to track my cycle. I got hyped up and excited thinking it would work miracles within months, like it does for many couples.

This is when it starts to get difficult. I discussed the topic in this post here. I got some great advice in the comments last time I posted about this, so I wanted to continue being open about fertility. I found an acupuncturist. It’s not cheap and the herbs taste terrible and you’re suppose to de-stress, change your diet and have frequents sessions with the acupuncturist. It’s just one step that some women take during this process. I also am taking a break from hot yoga (that I LOVE) because you’re not suppose to do that right now. I should be going to regular yoga, but I don’t like it as much. I appreciate those of you that commented and shared your experiences. I instantly felt less alone and more supported. For those of you wondering, there’s a decently large group of us out there around their 40s wanting to conceive as naturally as possible, or any way possible. 

How many of you are in or have recently been in this two week waiting period time and time again? (I can’t help but laugh at this phrase. It gives “lady in waiting” a whole new meaning.) I want to run to the store and get pregnancy tests but my doctor says it’s too early and would only create more stress for me to think that way. I just need to be patient. UGHHHH. And my question is: do you feel supported? How are you getting through it? Do you go on forums or have people to talk to? Of course we have our DH (dear husbands in the TCC community) or partner that may or may not totally understanding. I’m also TRYING to remember that I need to be supportive of my husband during this time, too. So, I’m learning it’s unfair of me to expect him to understand this emotionally charged time. I try not to vent too much or stress out to him about this topic (hence my venting here— wondering if he gets this far in the post-lol). Of course, Joel and I are in this  together. It’s our family. Our triumphs. And our stress. That strengthens us. (eventually;) 

Anyone out there feel this way? Fertility in 40s.

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Anyone that frequents this blog knows we are trying to have another baby. Sometimes I say “discussing” it or “considering expanding the family” in posts and such. I think I do that to take the pressure off of us, make it seem like we are okay no matter what happens- baby or no baby. 

And, of course, we are. Hayden and Huck are amazing blessings straight from God. When I walked into Hayden’s room this morning (bright and early cause he needed to go potty) he said, “I’m so excited to see you, Mommy. I had a good sleep.” I mean, just so precious. And Huck never forgets to say, “I love you,” when he leaves to go to his Mom’s house. We have the family I prayed for long ago.

I haven’t talked about this openly much, if at all really. There’s still a strong feeling we are not done. We have been trying. There were a few months I felt for sure I was pregnant. It must have been psychosomatic feelings. Anyone that has gone through this process knows the disappointment every month when you see a negative on the pregnancy test, or your cycle comes. 

I know it can take time. It just happened quickly with Hayden. I also was pregnant with four of my closest friends. This time it feels different for us. I shouldn’t speak for Joel, but I feel more alone going through this process at my age now. 

However, from what I’m reading, I am not at all alone. According to a recent study, the only female age group that saw an increased birth rate was for women 40-44! The percentage of millennial women having children is at an all-time low! The surge is mostly women my age, so I’m wondering how many of you out there are in the same boat? There’s got to be some!

I don’t want to dwell too much on anything negative, but it is a very depleting, anxiety inducing, crazy making process at times. It’s hard not get down on ourselves. We’re suppose to relax and let stuff go, yet my instinct is to be proactive. 

So, I am trying to be as proactive as possible. Cutting way down on the following: caffeine, sugar, wine, processed food and Diet Dr. Pepper. I’m not being crazy about that list, but trying very hard. No hot yoga (ugh, I love it, but I can do every other kind of yoga). I started seeing an acupuncturist that gave me the most disgusting herbs I’ve ever tasted to drink everyday. (She suggested three times a day). I’ve only seen her a few times, so I’m thinking I should increase the frequency. Thoughts?

I never froze my eggs. I haven’t tried any fertility methods. I’m absolutely supportive of all of that, I just haven’t done it….yet.

I’m seeing my doctor (OBGYN) today. Gonna drive over the hill in the pouring rain later. 

I would much rather write all this as post-journal success story. I’ve been waiting for that. But, that’s not our journey right now. I believe it will be. We don’t seem to talk about this stuff much. I understand why, but I wish we did discuss it more. So that’s why I’m writing this stuff here. This is a personal blog about lifestyle, fun, food, family, style (sometimes!) and it makes sense to find out if there are more of you out there feeling the same way I do? What steps are you taking? My hope is to make us feel more connected and less alone. If you have success stories- please share! 

PLAN FOR THE FUTURE

I’m thrilled about our new sponsor: CFP Board. They’re shedding light on something I want all of us to think about and discuss – our finances. It’s not always comfortable, but it is extremely necessary.

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As you may already know from my other posts, Joel and I are thinking about expanding our family (eeep!); this has led to discussions about our finances.

Lately, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with my mind racing about these discussions. I know stress is not the best during this “process,” but it’s also hard to avoid.  Joel and I both have family in the financial world that have impressed upon us the importance of planning for the future. We were told it was time to get help and make a plan created by a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ professional.

First off, I’m learning that many people without the necessary qualifications call themselves financial planners, so just beware. It’s essential to get someone who has a CFP® certification upholding the ethical standards required of a CFP® professional. Just like you want a doctor that has the proper license, you want someone guiding your finances that has the proper qualifications.


Like my desire to KonMari style organize my house is strong, my desire to get organized financially is even stronger. Meeting with a CFP® professional near us (letsmakeaplan.org) can help Joel and I start working on all of those questions that keep popping up in the middle of the night. I mainly want to plan for education (from preschool to college) and know how much we should be putting away for retirement and life insurance. It must be our age, but retirement seems to come up in conversation a lot lately. It’s easy to get stuck in the day-to-day and be happy just making ends meet every year, but I know there is a way to WIN the rat race one day–and enjoy retirement–IF we stay on a targeted plan.  

AshandHuck.ashleyajones.com


Like most Americans, our financial needs range and change. The above thoughts are my urgent issues today, but I also have so many others. For instance, lots of little questions about our personal taxes for those of us with blended families. A CFP® professional will work with us today and grow with us as our needs change, especially if (and when!) another little one joins the family. How can we make our money work for us, not the other way around!??  My father gave me the best reason to work with a CFP® professional: worry less. He said money is a terrible master, but a wonderful servant.

Do you feel like your money is working for you? I hope so! But could it be working harder? I’m excited to let the professionals do what they do best, so I can be the best for those I love and be the best at what I love.

It’s so easy to just meet with a CFP® professional. Go to letsmakeaplan.org and find one in your area. The best part of CFP® professionals is that they work with you to build a plan to take care of a myriad of needs–both big and small. If you are starting your own family, there is NO better time than now to start planning ahead and securing your future. If you’re even younger, let me tell you: when I bought my first house in my 20s, I thought that was enough to secure my financial future, but in hindsight, I could have done so much more had I retained a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™ professional. See what they have to say!

If you’re interested, I hope to share our journey with you all–and show you how much financial planning can serve you in your lives. It can be a lifelong relationship, my CFP® pro and me!

As always, any comments below are welcomed! Have you ever worked with a financial planner?

xox

AJH

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