Part Three of Egg Freezing: the retrieval

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While egg freezing is nothing new and many many women have done this, I could hardly find any written accounts of someone my age online. If you find any, I’d love to read. That was my motivation to write these posts, in hopes of making someone out there feel less alone on their whole fertility journey.

I anxiously awaited the results of my last ultrasound to determine if I even got to do the retrieval. If the eggs didn’t grow enough, the doctor wouldn’t go through with the procedure and I would have to try it all over again next month. If they did, I’d have to go get a covid test  immediately (for this hospital, it was up BOTH nostrils!). It’s daunting to say the least. I had so many dreams of Hayden as a baby during this time (pictured above). Maybe I was trying to manifest? I was filming Bold and the Beautiful the day before I did my trigger shot. This gives the eggs that final boost and pumps me with the most amount of hormones to date. I did not feel my best. I had bruises on my abdomen and was retaining a ton of fluid (common side effect). I actually weighed in 9 pounds heavier at the hospital than I was 2 weeks before.

But, everything did look good with the eggs and we could move  forward with the retrieval. An immense weight was lifted, at least for a few hours. I feel so much for women that get this far and then cannot move forward. It’ s emotionally, physically and financially draining.

I’ve been putting off posting this entry. I know why. 

The morning of the retrieval, I am sick to my stomach. Of course, it could be the lack of food or drink for 12 hours, or the anxiety of going under anesthesia. But, I know it’s the emotion. If I hadn’t lost the last baby (about 14 months before the day of the surgery), I wouldn’t be freezing eggs at all. So many people have told me the miscarriages were “meant to be.” I know they are referring to the events of the past year: being granted a permanent domestic violence 3 year restraining order, then having to go through court custody battles and divorce proceedings with that same person. I know my friends mean well. But, I still don’t look at it that way. It was a loss. I never had a real chance to grieve because I went into survival mode shortly after the miscarriage. 

I guess this morning, it hits me. 

It’s like any other surgery- no eating or drinking beforehand, get there very early. I have my trusted caretaker at the house for Hayden. I uber to the hospital because I can’t drive home. You bring limited personal items, everything goes in a bag. You fill out a ton of paperwork, check your vitals, get in your sterile gear, and lay down on the bed just staring at the ceiling waiting. I advise asking for all paperwork ahead of time. I wasn’t allowed to sign anything until I got here, but at least I had already read over all the risks and waivers and insurance issues, etc.

The nurse arrives to put in the IV. I’ve never had good luck with my right arm, which tends to be the arm closest to the machines in almost every situation I’ve been in…. giving birth, drawing blood, DNC from miscarriage—  and true to form, even right now. I beg her to go straight to the left arm. One would think the nurse would appreciate the tip, since I know my body better than they do. But, it’s kinda like a new hairdresser that doesn’t listen to you because they think they know your hair better than you ever could, only to learn you were right in the fist place— after your hair looks slightly orange. She insists on using my right arm and said all the other nurses must not have known what they were doing. After one failed attempt, I ask to speak to my doctor. I don’t want bruises on my right arm again. She switches to the left arm, very annoyed. But it works perfectly the first time on the left arm. I’m proud of myself for being assertive. My people-pleasing nature too often wins the struggle. 

It all becomes a bit of a blur after that. The doctor comes in to say hello; the anesthesiologist arrives, asks a few questions… and I become very relaxed. 

I wake up groggy, but ok. My dearest Jennifer Garies is there waiting for me. (Yes, we are really like real family). She brought snacks and drives me home, making sure I am ok. I am ok- but probably best I don’t drive. I was hoping for 12 eggs, but through the retrieval and freezing process, they got eight, then only seven made it through the fast freeze. Funny- seven has always been a special number to me. 

The crazy part? All the hoops I went through, doctor’s appointments, injections, etc— there is absolutely no guarantee. And we’ll never know how viable those eggs are until I try to have a baby at some point.

So, my hope is one egg (the first one!) makes it through the thawing process, fertilization process, testing process and then my body receives it, allowing the embryo to grow. It may not be the traditional way, but I still call it a miracle.

My body went back to it’s normal state within a week or so. Be gentle on yourself. I did not feel any pain afterward, but just uncomfortable for a day or so.

And all in all, it was cathartic. I deeply felt this was something I needed to do. And, as I’ve mentioned in another post, what if everything goes as well as it possibly could? I still believe in love, and for certain still believe in miracles. Ready for both.

If you’re curious about fertility, I still highly recommend IT STARTS WITH THE EGG. i wrote more about his book and what I learned HERE.

PART TWO of Egg Freezing: INJECTIONS

I kinda jump right in with PART TWO of my egg freezing journey. Find Part ONE here. Nothing fancy here- just literally documenting. I took so much video, but not as many photos. I’ll definitely have a video up soon, though. As always, would love your thoughts in comments.

xo AAJ

FIRST NIGHT OF INJECTIONS

Sitting on the kitchen floor sobbing, I feel defeated. My medications were delivered. Despite the nurse explaining it several times, this now seems extremely tedious and daunting. I am so angry to be doing this now in my life- alone without a partner. I’m angry about covid keeping me from being able to do this in person with someone else. I worry I’m too old- this is a waste. I’m old and it could cause any abnormal breast tissue to grow, hence my appointments with breast specialists. My mind just races. 

The delivery arrived around 9pm. It comes in a very large box with some temperature controlled meds that must be refrigerated. I sorted through it all, separated the medications, the needles, the antiseptic, the Q-caps (I had never heard of these before). Looked at what powders needed to be mixed with what liquids before injecting them into my body. It’s imperative I do this correctly— even though I’m tired, and now crying. I have to wait until Hayden is asleep to do this, obviously.

Then, I realize a lot of people doing this ARE alone. I look up instructions on youtube and found step-by-step videos for each medication. I did look at a few videos before getting the meds, but it was all confusing until I could see the materials in front of me. I take a deep breath and just do it. I feel like I’m in Breaking Bad or something. Exaggerating, but it’s a decent amount of mixing and putting the right needles on at the right time, etc. Not gonna lie, there are a lot of needles.

NO ONE MENTIONED

In the middle of the night after taking the first injections, I got my period. My doctor put me on birth control for 10 days when we first started the process. I was confused about my cycle because it gets adjusted. I didn’t keep track and panicked when it started. I thought something went wrong and the process was messed up. I figured I did the drugs incorrectly and was so mad at myself. I called the doctor on call at the surgery center. Alas, it is completely normal. I was right on track, in fact. No one told me, probably because it’s common sense!

The medications are known to have side effects, as you will come to know. These are easy to research and find online. It’s widely known. I managed pretty well, but have gained about 8 lbs. I had to film a pilot presentation right in the middle of it. (If it gets picked up and airs, you will see most definitely see the water weight.) It doesn’t happen to everyone, but it did me. I probably was more emotional and stuff, but didn’t feel horrible. I’ve heard people have seriously intense mood swings. I did have pain after injecting the Menapur. And some bruising on my abdomen. Actually, some days it was a lot of bruising.

It’s expensive. This is also widely known. I even researched and attempted to find the best pharmacy for the medication I was prescribed, but you need to be careful. You want a pharmacy that you can call last minute that has any medication you need available and can deliver it that day. I also called them more than once with questions and the pharmacist was available for me every time. This is key. I was on antibiotics, too. Then, after a series of about 10-12 days, I took the trigger shots that give the doctor the final result to see if retrieval is possible. It’s a bit of roller coaster.

DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS

I didn’t quite realize how often I would be getting ultrasounds and blood work. It’s about 2-3 times a week, then every other day when they get closer to the retrieval surgery. Or every day. 

You’ll also be going in for appointments prior to injections to make sure this is a good cycle to do it and your body looks prepared. Normally this would have been easier, but covid made it more complicated. Covid testing was required at different points and at a certain point, Hayden could no longer come with me. ALSO… as I was laying on the table in the doctor’s office about to get another ultrasound, I was told that we hoped the medication was working and the follicles were growing properly. I was like… wait, WHAT??? There is a chance you inject all this medication and there are not enough eggs or they do not reach a certain size. So, I waited for a text or email from my doctor every time I left hoping for the green light to continue. Again, the roller coaster.

GOOD NEWS

It’s a finite amount of time and if you are looking into doing this or starting IVF, you can do it. If I can manage it, trust me, so can you. There’s a whole list of things you are suppose to do (or at least I I was given a list). I was pretty good- not perfect. I disused it a bit on the original post about egg freezing. Also, very important to note- the injections DO become much easier. You get so used to doing them. And you figure out the right rhythm. 

I’m up for answering questions if you have them. Please ask here- if you want to conceal your identity, sign in as a guest. It’s better for others to see q&a’s. If you ask over DM, I may never see it and also for sure, no one else will. 

Thanks for sending the good vibes. And sending them back to you.

I did get the go ahead that the retrieval will happen, that will be PART THREE.

TAKING CHARGE OF THE EGGS

Photo by: Andrew Malnar

Material on this website is copyrighted. No aspect of this post or any post on this site can be quoted or used without permission and/or direct links back to site.

I should be excited to finally do something I’ve wanted to do for over 10 years. However, sharing and being this vulnerable opens me up to criticism. But, there must be at least one other person out there feeling the way I do, and maybe now she’ll feel less alone.

THE WHAT

I am freezing my eggs!! I’ve had many doctor appointments lately that some of you have inquired about. Most were for this and one other health reason that I plan on discussing next week.

No reason to fill me in on all the reasons I should NOT freeze eggs at my geriatric age. A quick google search leaves me grim. I know the statistics. I know I have a beautiful, healthy child already and feel very blessed. I look back at him as a baby— how could I not want another one! I have such a heart for those that are longing for their first baby. I know this is a very sensitive subject.

Those of you that have visited the blog since the beginning know of this fertility and secondary infertility journey. Many of you helped me, given great advise and shared your own stories.

THE WHY

For me, I have always imagined at least two kids. Life did not end up like a fairy tale, so I am taking charge. While there are alternative ways to have children now, adoption being an excellent one, I still have a deep desire to biologically have one more, Lord willing. We’ve discussed this on the blog, so it’s no secret.

I searched and searched for anyone my age and their experience with egg freezing. I’m sure there are blogs out there outlining the whole thing at my stage in life, but I had trouble finding them.

Egg freezing is just that. You retrieve as many eggs as possible and hope they make it through the freezing and thawing process. No sperm is involved. No embryos are made and tested. So, most people freezing are single women doing this all by themselves. They want to have a baby at some point, but life is not allowing that to happen today. I had been shelling out thousands and thousands of dollars a month- like 10K some months- in lawyer fees for the divorce and restraining order, so I felt, what is one month dedicated to my family’s future? It is an huge investment if you pay out of pocket, so I understand. Seeing that number on my credit card statement is hard to process, but I have become used to it the past year. If you’re reading this and feel it is out of your reach financially, please do some research. There are options, especially if you are willing to travel. I was not in that position during my divorce and covid.

IF I COULD DO IT OVER

Ideally, I would have had children earlier, which I plan on discussing in another post. My second wish is having frozen my eggs earlier. Why didn’t I?  I ask myself this question often. I struggled with the idea I was “playing God.” Age and a better understanding of modern medicine has given me a different perspective on that.

THERE WAS STILL A CHANCE

My doctor, Dr. Carolyn Alexander, initially helped me after I lost my second baby. I miraculously had Hayden naturally and easily (so much so, I was writing pregnancy posts like THIS one), but my two pregnancies after him were different. Devastatingly, they ended in miscarriages. I talked about this some here in this post. The second miscarriage was further along than the first. I had told my family already and was almost ready to share with friends and here on the blog. My doctor determined the issue was most likely not with me or the egg. I still have a possibility of a healthy baby. It was my Jim Carey, “So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” moment.

THE PREP

So, I started the freezing process. Technically, it could all be done fairly quickly, but I kept having delays. I had to get a list of things done first, namely a mammogram (very important) and frequent , various blood work to see hormone levels. I was too stressed with court dates and finances, out of town filming a movie last summer, wanted to detox my body a bit more… but the truth is, you gotta just go for it. I had an ultrasound to see how many follicles I had that month and it seemed ok to begin. There’s plenty of prep you can do if you have the time. I did not. I’m under then most amount of stress in my lifetime, so “lowering stress” seemed implausible. I still say the book IT STARTS WITH THE EGG is a great first step. I also wrote all the supplements that I have been told to take in this post here. I was told to cut caffeine to one cup a day. Limit sugar. No saunas or hot tubs or excessive workouts. Note: this all becomes more important when injections begin. I had not been going to acupuncture regularly, but began as soon as I could get an appointment. This is just what I have been told and only reflects my experience. Please consult your doctor before taking any supplements or following my lead in any way.

To be continued…I’m writing this as a series.

Part 2 : INJECTION PHASE AND EVERYTHING NO ONE TOLD ME- OH MY GOODNESS!

Part 3: THE RETRIEVAL AND EVERYTHING AFTER

xoxo Anything you want to share, I am reading every single comment.

AAJ